Yessir. People been complainin' the one on MySpace ain't the easiest to read so I up and started this 'un. This is the old internet for those of you with-out the technical specifications to find it yerselves. Check there for the original story of Skank Wolf and the Mange.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Friday, September 3, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Some food for thought
For those of you who like thinkin', which I know ain't all y'all...
So me and my favorite preacher, Gary Fallwell, was out at my estate, Rabies Acres, the other day supervisin' the boys who I had out back buildin' an arc which we need in preparation for when our Lord and Savior, Jesus H. Christ, return from heaven to wreak fire and flood upon this great nation. We buildeth the arc, as per scripture, so that we might keepeth all the animals by the two of 'em on there so oncin' the flood waters receedeth, the animals can thus re-populate the earth and provide us with good meat for barbecue. Well, I was lookin' at the boys who was toilin' in the hot sun amongst the weeds and dread malaria flies and I got to thinkin': How's come one of 'em that ain't fat is called Hog and the one of 'em that's the size of a dang boar pig is called Uncle Snuff? And how's come he ain't the uncle of nobody as far as I know? And why's he called Snuff when he uses mostly chewin'-on tobacco? Well, I don't reckon I can answer any of these questions but I thought I might give ya'll a chance to have a crack at 'em.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
So me and my favorite preacher, Gary Fallwell, was out at my estate, Rabies Acres, the other day supervisin' the boys who I had out back buildin' an arc which we need in preparation for when our Lord and Savior, Jesus H. Christ, return from heaven to wreak fire and flood upon this great nation. We buildeth the arc, as per scripture, so that we might keepeth all the animals by the two of 'em on there so oncin' the flood waters receedeth, the animals can thus re-populate the earth and provide us with good meat for barbecue. Well, I was lookin' at the boys who was toilin' in the hot sun amongst the weeds and dread malaria flies and I got to thinkin': How's come one of 'em that ain't fat is called Hog and the one of 'em that's the size of a dang boar pig is called Uncle Snuff? And how's come he ain't the uncle of nobody as far as I know? And why's he called Snuff when he uses mostly chewin'-on tobacco? Well, I don't reckon I can answer any of these questions but I thought I might give ya'll a chance to have a crack at 'em.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Monday, August 30, 2010
They made a motion picture of the Wolf!
Well, some kind gentleman made one of them motion pictures of the kind that you watch on a computer and not on the TV. They are on the Youth Tube. Crazy kids!
There is three parts so make sure an watch all of 'em.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
There is three parts so make sure an watch all of 'em.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Now the boys all went liberal. But I cured 'em of it!
I wake up this morning and look out my window to see the cart wheel I had the Wolf tied to ain't tied to nothin' no more. Well, I knew the boys could be a bit kind hearted at times so they probably wanted to just untie him for a minute so he could work out the kinks in his knees and get himself a drink of lakewater. I will be screwed and blued though, they done untied him and then got to listenin' to what he was saying and, by gum, if his cock-o-mamy speech didn't turn the rest of the boys into liberals too. They were thinkin' they got the freedom of speech and was goin' about talkin' in nonsense.
I found 'em sittin' around the old apple tree and speakin' in their strange liberal tongue, a goin' "Ship shap caddy flap" this and "Power hour super flower" that and so on, not makin' a dang lick of of old fashioned sense. Well, I tell you it was a bit much for me. I made Dixie Peter stuff some cotton in her ears on account of a lady should not be threatened by such ungentelmanly nonsense. I knowed I had to do somethin' about this before it went on to long.
I called up an old friend of mine, Burny McButt, who's a fireman. I had ole Burny bring up a whole tank fulla city water and a long hose to my estate, Rabies Acres. Well, me an Burny loaded up that tank of city water into my Ford Bronco II which I call She-Beast and drove right on out to that dang apple tree where them boys were sittin' around speakin' like a buncha red Rooskies and hollered at the top of my lungs, "Boys! Now you gonna stop that gull danged gubbelty goop you been talkin' and get back to yappin' like civilized folk or me an' Burny'll blast you with a hunnert gallons of city water for each of ya!" Well, that perked their ears up, I must say! They murmed amongst them self and the Wolf yelled back, "We got the amendment right to speak what we want even if it ain't words!" So I says, "I don't care about you, Wolf. You do what you do. But the boys is gonna get a city water bath so bad they won't know what hit 'em iffin' they don't start speakin' sense!" And w/ that the boys kinda wandert on back towards me, hands in their pockets, speakin' appologies softly but in good old timey English.
Now say what you will about the Wolf but he knows when he's beat. And facin' a few hunnert gallons of city water without his band to back him, he knowed he was beat so he let me tie 'em back up to the old cart wheel and I'll probably leave him go in a couple a days once I's sure he learned his lesson. Seemed to be speakin' in a civilized tongue though so that's a start.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
I found 'em sittin' around the old apple tree and speakin' in their strange liberal tongue, a goin' "Ship shap caddy flap" this and "Power hour super flower" that and so on, not makin' a dang lick of of old fashioned sense. Well, I tell you it was a bit much for me. I made Dixie Peter stuff some cotton in her ears on account of a lady should not be threatened by such ungentelmanly nonsense. I knowed I had to do somethin' about this before it went on to long.
I called up an old friend of mine, Burny McButt, who's a fireman. I had ole Burny bring up a whole tank fulla city water and a long hose to my estate, Rabies Acres. Well, me an Burny loaded up that tank of city water into my Ford Bronco II which I call She-Beast and drove right on out to that dang apple tree where them boys were sittin' around speakin' like a buncha red Rooskies and hollered at the top of my lungs, "Boys! Now you gonna stop that gull danged gubbelty goop you been talkin' and get back to yappin' like civilized folk or me an' Burny'll blast you with a hunnert gallons of city water for each of ya!" Well, that perked their ears up, I must say! They murmed amongst them self and the Wolf yelled back, "We got the amendment right to speak what we want even if it ain't words!" So I says, "I don't care about you, Wolf. You do what you do. But the boys is gonna get a city water bath so bad they won't know what hit 'em iffin' they don't start speakin' sense!" And w/ that the boys kinda wandert on back towards me, hands in their pockets, speakin' appologies softly but in good old timey English.
Now say what you will about the Wolf but he knows when he's beat. And facin' a few hunnert gallons of city water without his band to back him, he knowed he was beat so he let me tie 'em back up to the old cart wheel and I'll probably leave him go in a couple a days once I's sure he learned his lesson. Seemed to be speakin' in a civilized tongue though so that's a start.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Wolf is a danged liberal now!
You see a while back, the boy got some fool notion in his head and stoled a stone statuette Bobby Lee from out front the court house with the intent and purpose of settin' him free. Well, not only did it cost me a gallon of store-boughten whusky to get the best lawyer in town, Plessy Fergusun, to spring 'em but it seems he done got to talkin' w/ some radical, liberals from Warshington D.C. in jail for showin' up late to church and they put some danged ridiculous ideas into head about freedom of the speech and what not. Now the boy think he can say any high-fallutin' thing he pleases. He walk up to me yesterday and says, "Yoop, yoop, pooper scoop!" and just leave at that. He says to Dixie Peters, "Skippity lamda do da!" and run off chasin' rabbits again. Just about every word out the boy's mouth at this point is gull-danged, jibbering hogwarsh. I ask him the meaning of all this and he say, "Don't violate my first amendment rights!" Now I don't know what no dang amendment is or what kind of liberal evil is behind it but I say the boy ain't got no rights to be talkin' all funny like he some sort of innillectual from the North.
Anyways, I keep a gentleman's home here on my estate, Rabies Acres, and so naturally I don't allow no liberalism, philanthropy or any other of that Northern nonesuch to go on and so I had to set about punishin' the boy to get him to at least stop lippin' on that cornswaggle he been on about. I lashed him to an old cart wheel I had out by the swamp and he just keep blatherin' on like, "Wick, wack, gunnysack!" and "Flim, flam, icecream man!" And so I says, "Winner, winner, chicken dinner!" and shoved a pocket edition of Webster's Dictionary into his mouth such that he had to eat his own dang, liberal words--which I felt was highly poetical and appropriate to the occasion. I been goin' out there once a day to feed and water him and I ain't settin' him free of the cart wheel until he speaks some dang sense for once.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Anyways, I keep a gentleman's home here on my estate, Rabies Acres, and so naturally I don't allow no liberalism, philanthropy or any other of that Northern nonesuch to go on and so I had to set about punishin' the boy to get him to at least stop lippin' on that cornswaggle he been on about. I lashed him to an old cart wheel I had out by the swamp and he just keep blatherin' on like, "Wick, wack, gunnysack!" and "Flim, flam, icecream man!" And so I says, "Winner, winner, chicken dinner!" and shoved a pocket edition of Webster's Dictionary into his mouth such that he had to eat his own dang, liberal words--which I felt was highly poetical and appropriate to the occasion. I been goin' out there once a day to feed and water him and I ain't settin' him free of the cart wheel until he speaks some dang sense for once.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Friday, July 9, 2010
The Boys is Healthy Again!
As it turns out, they didn't get no malaria. They just been eatin' some red berries they found out there in the swamp and it turned out what I thought was bug bites form the dread malaria fly wasn't nothin' but a buncha hives and them boys is covered with hives half the time anyways. So I fed 'em up some of that stuff in a bottle that makes you throw up and once I got their guts all good in cleaned out I had 'em each drink a half bottle of good whuskey and they're all speakin' pretty good and walkin' around now.
It's a good thing too. Skank Wolf and the Mange got a show tonight! For some reason that town up North, Chicago, is the only place that'll have 'em so we're driving my Ford Bronco II, which I call She Beast, up there and we're playin' at this joint call Cal's at 400 S Wells St, wherever in hell that is. Hopefully this place'll finally be one w/ a piano so as you can all finally here the full sound of the band w/ yours truly a-ticklin' at the ivories.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
It's a good thing too. Skank Wolf and the Mange got a show tonight! For some reason that town up North, Chicago, is the only place that'll have 'em so we're driving my Ford Bronco II, which I call She Beast, up there and we're playin' at this joint call Cal's at 400 S Wells St, wherever in hell that is. Hopefully this place'll finally be one w/ a piano so as you can all finally here the full sound of the band w/ yours truly a-ticklin' at the ivories.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Monday, June 28, 2010
The boys done got the malaria
McElroy Boyd here. Sorry I haven't been keepin' y'all up to date on the comings and goings of Skank Wolf and the Mange but Dixie Peters and I have been busier than bees a-nursin' the boys back to health. You see in the hot summer moths, they took to sleepin' in a little patch of swampland here on my estate, Rabies Acres. I try to make 'em mix in a little bit of tonic water w/ their wolfshine so as to keep 'em protected from the dread malaria fly but it didn't work out too good. You see them boys don't pay no attention to half of what I tell 'em on account of them bein' insubordinate and they also don't understand the more sophisticated medical terminology since they know only enough English words to write rock and roll songs. So the boys go around a wallerin' in the mud and bugs and eatin' the local rabits and sure as your face they done got the malaria. At first I was happy they finally got back to writin' new material but then I realized all that pukin' and howlin' was involuntary and caused by severe sickness of the mind and body. Now I am stuck with four boys who cain't even walk to the outhouse to do their business without help and don't even got enough time on my hands to practice piano.
Your friend,
McElroy Boyd
Your friend,
McElroy Boyd
Monday, May 3, 2010
The boys are playin' a show!
On account of my managin', the boys are playin' yet again in that city up north that goes by the name of Chicago, formerly a marshland until we kicked the Indians out and drained it as is our holy right given unto us by Jesus H. Christ. Hallelujah!
As usual though, one of the boys has got hisself in a world of hurt right before the big show. Hog drank a full pint of 90% isopropyl alcohol which I had purchased in order to clean up some oil stains which I don't care to discuss the origin of. Now he's pukin' up his guts and has gone half blind in one eye and sixty-percent blind in the other. It's okay on account of drums are real big and you don't gotta see too good to play 'em but I wish he'd just stick to Wolfshine and Country Club malt liquor like anyone with any kind of sense would do. That boy always drunk and pukin' up somethin' he just don't normally go blind in the process.
Anyway, the show is this Saturday at Ronny's.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
As usual though, one of the boys has got hisself in a world of hurt right before the big show. Hog drank a full pint of 90% isopropyl alcohol which I had purchased in order to clean up some oil stains which I don't care to discuss the origin of. Now he's pukin' up his guts and has gone half blind in one eye and sixty-percent blind in the other. It's okay on account of drums are real big and you don't gotta see too good to play 'em but I wish he'd just stick to Wolfshine and Country Club malt liquor like anyone with any kind of sense would do. That boy always drunk and pukin' up somethin' he just don't normally go blind in the process.
Anyway, the show is this Saturday at Ronny's.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Skank Wolf Legal Defense Fund
Well, the Wolf finally recoverd from his run in with city water and got back to being his old sweet self again. Guess what the first thing he did is? Well, first thing he did was drink a jar of Wolfshine but after that I mean... The boy went and stoled a stone statuette of Robert E. Lee from out the front of the court house and done got hisself arrested on account of he forgot it was the day time and there was a po-lice man standin' right there.
I asked him him why he done it and he said it is a fine many who stands on his principles. And I asked him what his principles was and he said he don't believe a stone statuette should be cooped up in front of no court house and he aimed to set little stone Robert E. Lee free. I tell the boy he ain't thinkin' straight and then he got all sore and told me to leave but he's the lead singer of the band so we gotta pay a bail of forty-five dollars and raise enough money to pay the best attorney in the county, Plessy Ferguson. He says he's sick of us payin' him in Wolfshine and wants him a gallon of good, store-boughten whusky this time.
Anyways, we are askin' for donations to the Skank Wolf Legal Attorney Defense Fund in order to straiten our financial situation and get back to rockin'.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
I asked him him why he done it and he said it is a fine many who stands on his principles. And I asked him what his principles was and he said he don't believe a stone statuette should be cooped up in front of no court house and he aimed to set little stone Robert E. Lee free. I tell the boy he ain't thinkin' straight and then he got all sore and told me to leave but he's the lead singer of the band so we gotta pay a bail of forty-five dollars and raise enough money to pay the best attorney in the county, Plessy Ferguson. He says he's sick of us payin' him in Wolfshine and wants him a gallon of good, store-boughten whusky this time.
Anyways, we are askin' for donations to the Skank Wolf Legal Attorney Defense Fund in order to straiten our financial situation and get back to rockin'.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Now wolves in the front yard
Well, sure as anything, the Wolf come home and set down in the Mr. Winkles pee-pee spot and drank him what he thought was a bottle of Wolfshine. Little did he know but what was actually in that bottle was city water which causes his nutty buddies to shrivel up into his scrotum and disables his sweatutory glands (most folks call these "pours" because sweat pours outta 'em). He was settin' 'round the house wearing the copper tubed underbritches he got to wear on account of he got no other way to regulate his body temperature, lookin' ridiculous as all hell and in a sour mood to boot and I got tired of the sight of him. I tole him to go outside but he can't walk good in them underbritches so I had Hog and Dragline put him on a cart and roll him out in the front yard by my old Grand National which is temporarily up on blocks for the past seven years on account of I sold the wheelers to pay for an investment opportunity I don't care to discuss.
He set out there a good three four hours without incident but then the boy started squeelin' his head off on account of we put him on an ant hill and they were startin' to chaw on his tender shriveled man bits. Now I am not much in the mood to pay that boy no nevermind so I just put some cotton in my ears and leave him to hollerin'. Well, a day or so goes and constable come up to my door sayin' he's devaluatin' property and asked me to move him 'round back. Now at this point, he can't walk at all because of the ant bites so the boys and me loaded him into my Ford Bronco II, which I call She-Beast, and we drove him 'round back. Now he's settin' out there and no problem to nobody but I don't reckon he'll be in any less of a sour mood until we start feedin' him somethin' other than cat leather and dandelion greens.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
He set out there a good three four hours without incident but then the boy started squeelin' his head off on account of we put him on an ant hill and they were startin' to chaw on his tender shriveled man bits. Now I am not much in the mood to pay that boy no nevermind so I just put some cotton in my ears and leave him to hollerin'. Well, a day or so goes and constable come up to my door sayin' he's devaluatin' property and asked me to move him 'round back. Now at this point, he can't walk at all because of the ant bites so the boys and me loaded him into my Ford Bronco II, which I call She-Beast, and we drove him 'round back. Now he's settin' out there and no problem to nobody but I don't reckon he'll be in any less of a sour mood until we start feedin' him somethin' other than cat leather and dandelion greens.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Monday, March 29, 2010
The Wolf run off again!
The Wolf is a disrepectin' summammabitch! He run off after the set to God knows where rather than supravisin' the road crew like asked him to on account of I had to go meet with Drug Dealin' Dan in order to pick the boys up some medical methamphetamines. He headed in a general southerly direction which means he'll probably show up at my estate, Rabies Acres, in due time.
When he gets here, I got some kind of surprise for him. The boy likes to sleep in this one corner of the barn because it kind of smells like the pee-pee of his favorite barn cat, Mr. Winkles, whom we accidentally killed and ate on account of mistakin' it for a rabbit. Well, I'm gonna put a bottle of Wolfshine there for him like there ain't nothin' wrong in the world but instead of Wolfshine in that bottle, there's gonna be city water. Now before you go thinkin' that ain't so bad let me explain somethin': the Wolf has had some experiments done to him by the United States government. If he drinks city water his testicles shrivel up like raisins for a fortnight and he loses the ability to sweat so he has to wear a complex device composed of a series of copper tubes and a small pump underneath his britches in order to maintain his temperature and that is danged uncomfortable not to mention it looks ridiculous. Serves him right!
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
When he gets here, I got some kind of surprise for him. The boy likes to sleep in this one corner of the barn because it kind of smells like the pee-pee of his favorite barn cat, Mr. Winkles, whom we accidentally killed and ate on account of mistakin' it for a rabbit. Well, I'm gonna put a bottle of Wolfshine there for him like there ain't nothin' wrong in the world but instead of Wolfshine in that bottle, there's gonna be city water. Now before you go thinkin' that ain't so bad let me explain somethin': the Wolf has had some experiments done to him by the United States government. If he drinks city water his testicles shrivel up like raisins for a fortnight and he loses the ability to sweat so he has to wear a complex device composed of a series of copper tubes and a small pump underneath his britches in order to maintain his temperature and that is danged uncomfortable not to mention it looks ridiculous. Serves him right!
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Monday, March 22, 2010
Hooo Boy!
These boys can play, I will tell you what! Uncle Snuff and Dragline were so loud I didn't notice Hog was out in the alley pukin' his lungs out (on account of he drank to much Wolfshine and he's the only one of the boys still taking them pills that knocked Snuff out for those few days) until halfway through the set and I had to run out there and set him on his little seat back show him how to bang on the drums. After that he was thunderous though I think he fell off the seat a few times. The Wolf was nasty! I have never seen a boy holler so much in so short a time. We had to call the ambu-lance afterward to zap him with those electric disks as the boy had went into palpulations due to extreme stress and what not. He was then carried off by some womenfolk and, well, you know the Wolf...
I am just hoping them girls send him back on account we ain't done touring in Chicago just yet and have another show on Sunday at Ronnie's. On account of it being Palm Sunday and all, this is going to be Christian show dedicated to Jesus H. Christ.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
I am just hoping them girls send him back on account we ain't done touring in Chicago just yet and have another show on Sunday at Ronnie's. On account of it being Palm Sunday and all, this is going to be Christian show dedicated to Jesus H. Christ.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Gettin' the Boys Ready!
As you may well know, Skank Wolf and the Mange are playing at some juke joint called the Mutiny in Chicago this Friday and so that means I had to gather them up and get them to do some rehersallin'. Well, Uncle Snuff is talkin' pretty good now that he's recovered from chewin' up all them pills so I explain to him what he needs to do and leed him over to his guitar amp and put his guitar on him and plugged him in and once he got to playin' the rest of the boys showed up and we hard ourselves a real blast! Yessir, a real low-down, rockin' and rollin' time. Now we just gotta load up this rape party into the Ford Bronco II and bring it on up to Chicago.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Uncle Snuff Come To!
Well, we got Snuff back up an' kickin' again. While he was out, I been pumping intro-venous sugar solutions into this hole I put in his arm for such a purpose. He wasn't doin' too good but I got to thinkin', this boy is a bit too stout in stature for a dang sugar solution so I replaced what was in the bag with some Karo syrup and he come to in a couple a hours. He's taken a liking to the stuff since then and he's been drinkin' it mixed w/ Wolfshine and chewin' this length of surgical tube I gave him to stop him from eatin' his tongue. Anyways, the boy is a lot better but the sight of him settin' 'round the place in his underwear is gettin' to be a bit much for Dixie Peters. Once he regains his powers of speech, I aim to explain to him that that ain't appropriate 'round a lady. Anyways, I'm sure he'll be right as rain for the show this Friday at the Mutiny.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The boys is playin' a show!
Yessir! Things are looking up for them since I became their manager. Show is in Chicago, which is one of them towns way up north where people listen to the blues music and I reckon rock and roll is half blues to begin w/ so the boys'll do just fine. Only problem is Uncle Snuff fell asleep after chewin' on some pills that he didn't know what they were and, well, he's still breathin' and I got Hog and Dragline to hitch the mules up to him and flip him over on his belly and I'm sure he'll be just fine in a few days ifin' I can ever figger out how to plug this here into-venous bag into his arm hole.
Anyways, the show is at this at some juke joint called The Mutiny which is at 2428 N Western Ave. and it's on 3/19/2010 which I reckon is Friday--not that it matters to us on account of none of the boys are employable due to their reliance on medical methamphetamine to cure their Attention Defecent Disorder, whatever in hell that is.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boydd
Anyways, the show is at this at some juke joint called The Mutiny which is at 2428 N Western Ave. and it's on 3/19/2010 which I reckon is Friday--not that it matters to us on account of none of the boys are employable due to their reliance on medical methamphetamine to cure their Attention Defecent Disorder, whatever in hell that is.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boydd
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A Trip to See Gary Fallwell
Well, as you fellers probably already know, I am quite a moralistic conundrum. Yes indeed. I have fallen love with McElroy Boydd's wife, Dixie Peters. Well, her real name is Dixie Boyd. I caught her winkin' at me when we was eatin' rabbit chili and my heart went a flutter like one of them things old ladies keep on the back porch that clank in the wind.
Anyways, when I find myself in such a spot like this, I always turn my thoughts to our lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ. And there is one man I know who knows more about Jesus H. Christ than anyone, it's my very good friend, Gary Fallwell. He is one of them preachers on TV that makes a lot of money for knocking people over and making them talk like retards for a few minutes. Well, as you might imagine, I could use someone to push me over in times like these so I headed on over to his house in my Ford Bronco II, the wheelers of which I just aligned so as to stop hitting pedestrians.
So I get down there and I says to Gary Fallwell, "Gary, I got a problem," I says, "I am in love w/ another man's wife and that man is McElroy Boydd." And he says, "Son, that ain't no good. Jesus H. Christ frowns upon philandery." And I just kinda sit there and nod, waiting for him to go on and then he takes a big puff from this glass pipe he's got sittin' in a pile of cigarette butts beside him and his eyes kinda go all beady red and I know the Holy Spirit got a hold of him and he says, "What's this woman's name?" and I tell him Dixie Peters. And he says, "Oh her! Son, you just gotta offer McElroy Boydd a ride for a ride on that one as is writ in the book of Genesis. Trade him your four wheeler ATV and he'll let you hitch a hump on that old mare whenever you want."
You cannot imagine the Christian joy that's in my heart today! Now I am gonna go off to go see McElroy Boydd about trading him an all terrain ve-hicle in exchange for sexual favors from his wife.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Anyways, when I find myself in such a spot like this, I always turn my thoughts to our lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ. And there is one man I know who knows more about Jesus H. Christ than anyone, it's my very good friend, Gary Fallwell. He is one of them preachers on TV that makes a lot of money for knocking people over and making them talk like retards for a few minutes. Well, as you might imagine, I could use someone to push me over in times like these so I headed on over to his house in my Ford Bronco II, the wheelers of which I just aligned so as to stop hitting pedestrians.
So I get down there and I says to Gary Fallwell, "Gary, I got a problem," I says, "I am in love w/ another man's wife and that man is McElroy Boydd." And he says, "Son, that ain't no good. Jesus H. Christ frowns upon philandery." And I just kinda sit there and nod, waiting for him to go on and then he takes a big puff from this glass pipe he's got sittin' in a pile of cigarette butts beside him and his eyes kinda go all beady red and I know the Holy Spirit got a hold of him and he says, "What's this woman's name?" and I tell him Dixie Peters. And he says, "Oh her! Son, you just gotta offer McElroy Boydd a ride for a ride on that one as is writ in the book of Genesis. Trade him your four wheeler ATV and he'll let you hitch a hump on that old mare whenever you want."
You cannot imagine the Christian joy that's in my heart today! Now I am gonna go off to go see McElroy Boydd about trading him an all terrain ve-hicle in exchange for sexual favors from his wife.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Monday, March 8, 2010
Rabbit Chili with Dixie and the Boys
Well, McElroy Boydd couldn't make it to dinner on account of they threw him in the drunk tank after he ate a bunch of pills and ran around the neighborhood in Dixie Peter's knickers. Why they put a man in the drunk tank for taking pills, I don't know if I'll ever understand.
Anyways, as I mentioned previous-wise, the Wolf had caught us a rabbit using my false teeths which he stoled from me. Well, normally we just eat barbecue around here but I dunno if it's legal in this state to barbecue rabbit and I think only a moral degenerate would do such a thing anyways so we did the only reasonable thing and made us up some chili. You put the rabbit, which tastes good aside from the fur, in a kettle over the fire pit and then you put some cans of tomaters in there or something else that's red and then you need some hotsauce. And you get the mess cooking up real good and dump in some Country Club for extra flavor and make sure Snuff don't spit no tobacco in there because that boy don't brush his teeths. I also like to put some salt in there and some Wolfshine. I am from Texas so I don't put no beans in there but I would if I got some of them magic beans I been hearin' about.
Well, we set down to dinner, me and the boys and Dixie Peters and we go about all civil-like except Dragline wouldn't take his hat off around a lady and Snuff was chewin' on a beef jerky and wouldn't share. That boy always gotta be chewin' on somethin'. We get to talking over lots of things like drag racing, butane lighters, how best to realign the wheelers on a Ford Bronco II... Things like that, real civil-like, as I said. And I caught a glimpse of Dixie Peters over the table, lookin' pretty as a peach, and I swear to you she winked right at me. Well, I am a Christian man, as I hope you well know, and me an' Dixie and McElroy Boydd might have had some old timey fun in the past but that was a sharing of God's love whereas a married lady winkin' at me over the table is borderline philandery. Now that's not civil-like at all!
But darned if I didn't wink right on back! I knew it was wrong but, so help me, I think I'm in love! I don't know what to do. I know his Magistic Heinous, Jesus H. Christ, is frowning upon my actions but I swear before Him and God the Farther that I am out of my my mind with love both Christian and otherwise. What should I do my brothers? Oh, what should I do?
Anyways, as I mentioned previous-wise, the Wolf had caught us a rabbit using my false teeths which he stoled from me. Well, normally we just eat barbecue around here but I dunno if it's legal in this state to barbecue rabbit and I think only a moral degenerate would do such a thing anyways so we did the only reasonable thing and made us up some chili. You put the rabbit, which tastes good aside from the fur, in a kettle over the fire pit and then you put some cans of tomaters in there or something else that's red and then you need some hotsauce. And you get the mess cooking up real good and dump in some Country Club for extra flavor and make sure Snuff don't spit no tobacco in there because that boy don't brush his teeths. I also like to put some salt in there and some Wolfshine. I am from Texas so I don't put no beans in there but I would if I got some of them magic beans I been hearin' about.
Well, we set down to dinner, me and the boys and Dixie Peters and we go about all civil-like except Dragline wouldn't take his hat off around a lady and Snuff was chewin' on a beef jerky and wouldn't share. That boy always gotta be chewin' on somethin'. We get to talking over lots of things like drag racing, butane lighters, how best to realign the wheelers on a Ford Bronco II... Things like that, real civil-like, as I said. And I caught a glimpse of Dixie Peters over the table, lookin' pretty as a peach, and I swear to you she winked right at me. Well, I am a Christian man, as I hope you well know, and me an' Dixie and McElroy Boydd might have had some old timey fun in the past but that was a sharing of God's love whereas a married lady winkin' at me over the table is borderline philandery. Now that's not civil-like at all!
But darned if I didn't wink right on back! I knew it was wrong but, so help me, I think I'm in love! I don't know what to do. I know his Magistic Heinous, Jesus H. Christ, is frowning upon my actions but I swear before Him and God the Farther that I am out of my my mind with love both Christian and otherwise. What should I do my brothers? Oh, what should I do?
Friday, March 5, 2010
The Wolf Stoled My Teeths!
Last night, I fall asleep under this big ol' apple tree on my estate, Rabies Acres. Now I leave the apples layin' around on the ground because when I wake up under there, I'm liable to be pretty hungry. Well, I got to take a bit of one of them apples and what do you know, my teeths ain't there no more! Now it ain't no big deal since them apples are pretty mushy this time a year but I was still pretty keen to find 'em again so I set about in my four wheeler ATV to go and look for 'em.
Well, I come 'round the bend of this creek I got out back and I see the Wolf out there chasin' rabbits. Now, he only catches 'em sometimes and normally they slip right on away on account of his teeth don't come together quite right. Now you just imagine my suprise we he snatched one of the blessed things right off the ground. The Wolf stoled my teeths right out of my mouth and was usin' 'em to bite on rabbits! What in the mind of a right thinkin' Ken-tucky boy would cause 'em to do such I thing? I am befuddled as you can well imagine.
Anyway, if you've ever tried to wrestle a set of teeths out of the jaws of a half-naked Ken-tucky boy, you probably know my fingers look about like half a pound of hamburger left in the sun too long. I don't think I'll play no piano for another three weeks. Darn that Wolf! He is a kind soul but he sure do some strange things sometimes.
Oh well. I think I might invite on over McElroy Boydd and Dixie Peters for some rabbit chili tonight.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Well, I come 'round the bend of this creek I got out back and I see the Wolf out there chasin' rabbits. Now, he only catches 'em sometimes and normally they slip right on away on account of his teeth don't come together quite right. Now you just imagine my suprise we he snatched one of the blessed things right off the ground. The Wolf stoled my teeths right out of my mouth and was usin' 'em to bite on rabbits! What in the mind of a right thinkin' Ken-tucky boy would cause 'em to do such I thing? I am befuddled as you can well imagine.
Anyway, if you've ever tried to wrestle a set of teeths out of the jaws of a half-naked Ken-tucky boy, you probably know my fingers look about like half a pound of hamburger left in the sun too long. I don't think I'll play no piano for another three weeks. Darn that Wolf! He is a kind soul but he sure do some strange things sometimes.
Oh well. I think I might invite on over McElroy Boydd and Dixie Peters for some rabbit chili tonight.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Monday, March 1, 2010
Skank Wolf Tour Rider
To whoever it concerns and all venues wanting to have the band Skank Wolf and the Mange play at them, the following predetermined items must be prepared in accordance w/ this legally binding documentary:
1. Wolfshine - We will bring this ourselves. Just give them a place to drink it in.
2. One guitar amplifier - Similar in size to the one used by Carl Perkin.
3. One guitar - We got one but sometimes you need two. Get one w/ lots of knobs on it.
4. One Drumset - Hog wants to try one of them clear ones you see the bands play on TV sometimes.
5. One bass guitar amplifier - This has got to be different from the one for the guitar. We like ones with big speakers and switches that light up.
6. One case of Country Club Malt Liquor - This is made out of the finest ingredients
7. One more case of Country Club Malt Liquor - we are a rock band not girly scouts. Put both cases of beer on ice but take 'em out of the box first so it doesn't get all soggy.
8. A third case of Country Club Malt Liquor - Don't tell the boys about this one. Sometimes the Wolf will run off w/ one and the other boys get sore so it pays to have reserves. All of these cases should be quart bottles or bigger. The boys don't like having to stand up too much.
9. Wine - We like the kinds that are red or clear better but better get some of the green apple flavored kind too just in case.
10. Drum sticks - you use these to play the drums
11. One Piano - Not one of them ones w/ the little roll of tape that plays itself. I don't want anyone calling me a faker.
12. $15 dollar cash guarantee
13. Don't play any of that techno music. We like Jerry Lee Lewis and anything that smells like barbecue.
14. Three dressing rooms. The Wolf gets dressed outside but the rest of the boys need dressing rooms stocked w/ the following: marshmallow peeps, pizza, RC Cola, one gram of medical methamphetamine, whuskey, Slim Jims, bean bag chair, them big red pills they give to horses, one newspaper (current) plus real deep fried french fries and barbecue
15. Drum Sticks - The kind that say "Rock" up the side are the best because that is the kind of music we play.
16. Security - Security personnel must be at least bigger than a normal sized person. We like the way they look all lined up in sun glasses so get a lot and tell them to cross their arms. They should be instructed to allow women into the dressing rooms and not to steal drugs or liquor from the band. If they want some, they can ask. Probably won't give them any women though.
17. Medicinal Marijuana - get the kind from California even though it's a liberal state. It is best for the glaucoma, which we all have, especially Dragline.
18. Two Microphones - You need to give Snuff the louder one because he sings all quiet sometimes.
19. One bass guitar - preferably one that's got a good look to it and not one of them ones with more strings than is usual.
20. Hot Rods - We like to drive around in these before the show if you got a door big enough you can drive up to the stage that is the best situation possible.
21. Four flannel shirts - Especially if the show is in Canada. Cold up there.
22. Women - Never paid for it in our lives but that doesn't mean you can't pay for it for us.
23. Hot dogs - No catsup!
24. Do you got one of them smoke machines? I reckon that'd be a pretty neat thing to have on stage and I'm keen to see what it'd look like.
25. Drum Sticks - The kind made out of wood. Hog needs these to get the drums to make banging noises. Don't ask me.
26. Open access to bar - not just the liquor but to the people behind there and if they want to grab a neon sign or something, they are allowed to.
If the undersigened hereto fail to prepare the items as indicated or don't get us any of the stuff on this list, we will refuse playment of the show until all things are got.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
1. Wolfshine - We will bring this ourselves. Just give them a place to drink it in.
2. One guitar amplifier - Similar in size to the one used by Carl Perkin.
3. One guitar - We got one but sometimes you need two. Get one w/ lots of knobs on it.
4. One Drumset - Hog wants to try one of them clear ones you see the bands play on TV sometimes.
5. One bass guitar amplifier - This has got to be different from the one for the guitar. We like ones with big speakers and switches that light up.
6. One case of Country Club Malt Liquor - This is made out of the finest ingredients
7. One more case of Country Club Malt Liquor - we are a rock band not girly scouts. Put both cases of beer on ice but take 'em out of the box first so it doesn't get all soggy.
8. A third case of Country Club Malt Liquor - Don't tell the boys about this one. Sometimes the Wolf will run off w/ one and the other boys get sore so it pays to have reserves. All of these cases should be quart bottles or bigger. The boys don't like having to stand up too much.
9. Wine - We like the kinds that are red or clear better but better get some of the green apple flavored kind too just in case.
10. Drum sticks - you use these to play the drums
11. One Piano - Not one of them ones w/ the little roll of tape that plays itself. I don't want anyone calling me a faker.
12. $15 dollar cash guarantee
13. Don't play any of that techno music. We like Jerry Lee Lewis and anything that smells like barbecue.
14. Three dressing rooms. The Wolf gets dressed outside but the rest of the boys need dressing rooms stocked w/ the following: marshmallow peeps, pizza, RC Cola, one gram of medical methamphetamine, whuskey, Slim Jims, bean bag chair, them big red pills they give to horses, one newspaper (current) plus real deep fried french fries and barbecue
15. Drum Sticks - The kind that say "Rock" up the side are the best because that is the kind of music we play.
16. Security - Security personnel must be at least bigger than a normal sized person. We like the way they look all lined up in sun glasses so get a lot and tell them to cross their arms. They should be instructed to allow women into the dressing rooms and not to steal drugs or liquor from the band. If they want some, they can ask. Probably won't give them any women though.
17. Medicinal Marijuana - get the kind from California even though it's a liberal state. It is best for the glaucoma, which we all have, especially Dragline.
18. Two Microphones - You need to give Snuff the louder one because he sings all quiet sometimes.
19. One bass guitar - preferably one that's got a good look to it and not one of them ones with more strings than is usual.
20. Hot Rods - We like to drive around in these before the show if you got a door big enough you can drive up to the stage that is the best situation possible.
21. Four flannel shirts - Especially if the show is in Canada. Cold up there.
22. Women - Never paid for it in our lives but that doesn't mean you can't pay for it for us.
23. Hot dogs - No catsup!
24. Do you got one of them smoke machines? I reckon that'd be a pretty neat thing to have on stage and I'm keen to see what it'd look like.
25. Drum Sticks - The kind made out of wood. Hog needs these to get the drums to make banging noises. Don't ask me.
26. Open access to bar - not just the liquor but to the people behind there and if they want to grab a neon sign or something, they are allowed to.
If the undersigened hereto fail to prepare the items as indicated or don't get us any of the stuff on this list, we will refuse playment of the show until all things are got.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Has anyone seen the Wolf?
Me and the Wolf got into some drinking last night and, well, I left him in a ditch on my estate, Rabies Acres. I figured it was just about pass out time and left him with a jar of wolfshine to keep him warm should he wake up in the middle of the night. Half hour later, I hear this howlin' and a little bit of screamin' and hollerin' and I don't think much of it but when I wake up I find that someone has siphoned the gasoline out of my Bronco II, which I call She-Beast, and my four wheeler ATV is nowhere to be found. Well, I think you can guess who it is that done all of this so if any of you see a wolf riding on my ATV wearing only underpants and probably hollerin' about somethin' or another, try to knock him off it and send him on back to Rabies Acres where I can keep an eye on him.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Our Hearts Go Out to the Haitian Earthquakes
Me and the boys here all feel real bad about them earthquakes. I know all about it since I dated a Haitian girl for a couple weeks. She was nice but real strange. Made me pay her fifteen bucks every time I saw her and wouldn't kiss me after. Different culture, I guess. Anyway, we all thought on it and we figured we would offer up all them new songs we re-corded w/ world famous producer Dick Rubin 100% free of charge to all our fans in order to help the relief effort. Enjoy and make sure Hatia is in your prayers.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Friday, February 5, 2010
The New Songs Is Up
Let me tell you, I am all worn out after finishing that re-cording session!
I had to wrassle that damn Snuff when he decided he'd rather sit on a dock chewing Quaaludes than re-cord guitar on his own album. Imagine that! He put up some kind of fuss, that boy. I reeled him in good though and put one of them electric dog collars on him so I can give him a shock when he acts up. Doesn't seem to feel it much though, might even kind of like it.
Anyhow, the sound is rockin' and it was produced by Dick Ruben, who is probably the most famous producer I know of. We did it with his mobile unit on my estate, Rabies Acres, so we would really let the boys go wild. The Wolf has a real good holler and we got it down pretty good on tape. We even got him to stay awake most of the time and only had to spray him down w/ the hose once. The rest of the boys, well, they're trouble but they mean well and me and Dick Ruben managed to keep 'em out of the stash box long enough to get some rock and roll music out of 'em before they wandered off.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
I had to wrassle that damn Snuff when he decided he'd rather sit on a dock chewing Quaaludes than re-cord guitar on his own album. Imagine that! He put up some kind of fuss, that boy. I reeled him in good though and put one of them electric dog collars on him so I can give him a shock when he acts up. Doesn't seem to feel it much though, might even kind of like it.
Anyhow, the sound is rockin' and it was produced by Dick Ruben, who is probably the most famous producer I know of. We did it with his mobile unit on my estate, Rabies Acres, so we would really let the boys go wild. The Wolf has a real good holler and we got it down pretty good on tape. We even got him to stay awake most of the time and only had to spray him down w/ the hose once. The rest of the boys, well, they're trouble but they mean well and me and Dick Ruben managed to keep 'em out of the stash box long enough to get some rock and roll music out of 'em before they wandered off.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I got the boys together to do some re-cordings
Yessir, and they're almost done. Only problem is Hog got so drunk he thought the re-cording console was some sort of a a terlet so he threw a cherry bomb at it and broke one of them little slidy things when he was trying to flush it. I set him down and told him to settle and since then we got just about everything redone but we just want to make sure everything sounds just so before we put them up. My advice to you at this time is relax and listen to a Jerry Lee Lewis record. Maybe have sex with your cousin. Hell, I don't know what you kids do for fun up north...
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