Some food for thought

For those of you who like thinkin', which I know ain't all y'all...

So me and my favorite preacher, Gary Fallwell, was out at my estate, Rabies Acres, the other day supervisin' the boys who I had out back buildin' an arc which we need in preparation for when our Lord and Savior, Jesus H. Christ, return from heaven to wreak fire and flood upon this great nation. We buildeth the arc, as per scripture, so that we might keepeth all the animals by the two of 'em on there so oncin' the flood waters receedeth, the animals can thus re-populate the earth and provide us with good meat for barbecue. Well, I was lookin' at the boys who was toilin' in the hot sun amongst the weeds and dread malaria flies and I got to thinkin': How's come one of 'em that ain't fat is called Hog and the one of 'em that's the size of a dang boar pig is called Uncle Snuff? And how's come he ain't the uncle of nobody as far as I know? And why's he called Snuff when he uses mostly chewin'-on tobacco? Well, I don't reckon I can answer any of these questions but I thought I might give ya'll a chance to have a crack at 'em.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd

They made a motion picture of the Wolf!

Well, some kind gentleman made one of them motion pictures of the kind that you watch on a computer and not on the TV. They are on the Youth Tube. Crazy kids!



There is three parts so make sure an watch all of 'em.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd

Now the boys all went liberal. But I cured 'em of it!

I wake up this morning and look out my window to see the cart wheel I had the Wolf tied to ain't tied to nothin' no more. Well, I knew the boys could be a bit kind hearted at times so they probably wanted to just untie him for a minute so he could work out the kinks in his knees and get himself a drink of lakewater. I will be screwed and blued though, they done untied him and then got to listenin' to what he was saying and, by gum, if his cock-o-mamy speech didn't turn the rest of the boys into liberals too. They were thinkin' they got the freedom of speech and was goin' about talkin' in nonsense.

I found 'em sittin' around the old apple tree and speakin' in their strange liberal tongue, a goin' "Ship shap caddy flap" this and "Power hour super flower" that and so on, not makin' a dang lick of of old fashioned sense. Well, I tell you it was a bit much for me. I made Dixie Peter stuff some cotton in her ears on account of a lady should not be threatened by such ungentelmanly nonsense. I knowed I had to do somethin' about this before it went on to long.

I called up an old friend of mine, Burny McButt, who's a fireman. I had ole Burny bring up a whole tank fulla city water and a long hose to my estate, Rabies Acres. Well, me an Burny loaded up that tank of city water into my Ford Bronco II which I call She-Beast and drove right on out to that dang apple tree where them boys were sittin' around speakin' like a buncha red Rooskies and hollered at the top of my lungs, "Boys! Now you gonna stop that gull danged gubbelty goop you been talkin' and get back to yappin' like civilized folk or me an' Burny'll blast you with a hunnert gallons of city water for each of ya!" Well, that perked their ears up, I must say! They murmed amongst them self and the Wolf yelled back, "We got the amendment right to speak what we want even if it ain't words!" So I says, "I don't care about you, Wolf. You do what you do. But the boys is gonna get a city water bath so bad they won't know what hit 'em iffin' they don't start speakin' sense!" And w/ that the boys kinda wandert on back towards me, hands in their pockets, speakin' appologies softly but in good old timey English.

Now say what you will about the Wolf but he knows when he's beat. And facin' a few hunnert gallons of city water without his band to back him, he knowed he was beat so he let me tie 'em back up to the old cart wheel and I'll probably leave him go in a couple a days once I's sure he learned his lesson. Seemed to be speakin' in a civilized tongue though so that's a start.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd

The Wolf is a danged liberal now!

You see a while back, the boy got some fool notion in his head and stoled a stone statuette Bobby Lee from out front the court house with the intent and purpose of settin' him free. Well, not only did it cost me a gallon of store-boughten whusky to get the best lawyer in town, Plessy Fergusun, to spring 'em but it seems he done got to talkin' w/ some radical, liberals from Warshington D.C. in jail for showin' up late to church and they put some danged ridiculous ideas into head about freedom of the speech and what not. Now the boy think he can say any high-fallutin' thing he pleases. He walk up to me yesterday and says, "Yoop, yoop, pooper scoop!" and just leave at that. He says to Dixie Peters, "Skippity lamda do da!" and run off chasin' rabbits again. Just about every word out the boy's mouth at this point is gull-danged, jibbering hogwarsh. I ask him the meaning of all this and he say, "Don't violate my first amendment rights!" Now I don't know what no dang amendment is or what kind of liberal evil is behind it but I say the boy ain't got no rights to be talkin' all funny like he some sort of innillectual from the North.

Anyways, I keep a gentleman's home here on my estate, Rabies Acres, and so naturally I don't allow no liberalism, philanthropy or any other of that Northern nonesuch to go on and so I had to set about punishin' the boy to get him to at least stop lippin' on that cornswaggle he been on about. I lashed him to an old cart wheel I had out by the swamp and he just keep blatherin' on like, "Wick, wack, gunnysack!" and "Flim, flam, icecream man!" And so I says, "Winner, winner, chicken dinner!" and shoved a pocket edition of Webster's Dictionary into his mouth such that he had to eat his own dang, liberal words--which I felt was highly poetical and appropriate to the occasion. I been goin' out there once a day to feed and water him and I ain't settin' him free of the cart wheel until he speaks some dang sense for once.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd