Now wolves in the front yard

Well, sure as anything, the Wolf come home and set down in the Mr. Winkles pee-pee spot and drank him what he thought was a bottle of Wolfshine. Little did he know but what was actually in that bottle was city water which causes his nutty buddies to shrivel up into his scrotum and disables his sweatutory glands (most folks call these "pours" because sweat pours outta 'em). He was settin' 'round the house wearing the copper tubed underbritches he got to wear on account of he got no other way to regulate his body temperature, lookin' ridiculous as all hell and in a sour mood to boot and I got tired of the sight of him. I tole him to go outside but he can't walk good in them underbritches so I had Hog and Dragline put him on a cart and roll him out in the front yard by my old Grand National which is temporarily up on blocks for the past seven years on account of I sold the wheelers to pay for an investment opportunity I don't care to discuss.

He set out there a good three four hours without incident but then the boy started squeelin' his head off on account of we put him on an ant hill and they were startin' to chaw on his tender shriveled man bits. Now I am not much in the mood to pay that boy no nevermind so I just put some cotton in my ears and leave him to hollerin'. Well, a day or so goes and constable come up to my door sayin' he's devaluatin' property and asked me to move him 'round back. Now at this point, he can't walk at all because of the ant bites so the boys and me loaded him into my Ford Bronco II, which I call She-Beast, and we drove him 'round back. Now he's settin' out there and no problem to nobody but I don't reckon he'll be in any less of a sour mood until we start feedin' him somethin' other than cat leather and dandelion greens.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd

The Wolf run off again!

The Wolf is a disrepectin' summammabitch! He run off after the set to God knows where rather than supravisin' the road crew like asked him to on account of I had to go meet with Drug Dealin' Dan in order to pick the boys up some medical methamphetamines. He headed in a general southerly direction which means he'll probably show up at my estate, Rabies Acres, in due time.

When he gets here, I got some kind of surprise for him. The boy likes to sleep in this one corner of the barn because it kind of smells like the pee-pee of his favorite barn cat, Mr. Winkles, whom we accidentally killed and ate on account of mistakin' it for a rabbit. Well, I'm gonna put a bottle of Wolfshine there for him like there ain't nothin' wrong in the world but instead of Wolfshine in that bottle, there's gonna be city water. Now before you go thinkin' that ain't so bad let me explain somethin': the Wolf has had some experiments done to him by the United States government. If he drinks city water his testicles shrivel up like raisins for a fortnight and he loses the ability to sweat so he has to wear a complex device composed of a series of copper tubes and a small pump underneath his britches in order to maintain his temperature and that is danged uncomfortable not to mention it looks ridiculous. Serves him right!

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd

Hooo Boy!

These boys can play, I will tell you what! Uncle Snuff and Dragline were so loud I didn't notice Hog was out in the alley pukin' his lungs out (on account of he drank to much Wolfshine and he's the only one of the boys still taking them pills that knocked Snuff out for those few days) until halfway through the set and I had to run out there and set him on his little seat back show him how to bang on the drums. After that  he was thunderous though I think he fell off the seat a few times. The Wolf was nasty! I have never seen a boy holler so much in so short a time. We had to call the ambu-lance afterward to zap him with those electric disks as the boy had went into palpulations due to extreme stress and what not. He was then carried off by some womenfolk and, well, you know the Wolf...

I am just hoping them girls send him back on account we ain't done touring in Chicago just yet and have another show on Sunday at Ronnie's. On account of it being Palm Sunday and all, this is going to be Christian show dedicated to Jesus H. Christ.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd

Gettin' the Boys Ready!

As you may well know, Skank Wolf and the Mange are playing at some juke joint called the Mutiny in Chicago this Friday and so that means I had to gather them up and get them to do some rehersallin'. Well, Uncle Snuff is talkin' pretty good now that he's recovered from chewin' up all them pills so I explain to him what he needs to do and leed him over to his guitar amp and put his guitar on him and plugged him in and once he got to playin' the rest of the boys showed up and we hard ourselves a real blast! Yessir, a real low-down, rockin' and rollin' time. Now we just gotta load up this rape party into the Ford Bronco II and bring it on up to Chicago.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd

Uncle Snuff Come To!

Well, we got Snuff back up an' kickin' again. While he was out, I been pumping intro-venous sugar solutions into this hole I put in his arm for such a purpose. He wasn't doin' too good but I got to thinkin', this boy is a bit too stout in stature for a dang sugar solution so I replaced what was in the bag with some Karo syrup and he come to in a couple a hours. He's taken a liking to the stuff since then and he's been drinkin' it mixed w/ Wolfshine and chewin' this length of surgical tube I gave him to stop him from eatin' his tongue. Anyways, the boy is a lot better but the sight of him settin' 'round the place in his underwear is gettin' to be a bit much for Dixie Peters. Once he regains his powers of speech, I aim to explain to him that that ain't appropriate 'round a lady. Anyways, I'm sure he'll be right as rain for the show this Friday at the Mutiny.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd

The boys is playin' a show!

Yessir! Things are looking up for them since I became their manager. Show is in Chicago, which is one of them towns way up north where people listen to the blues music and I reckon rock and roll is half blues to begin w/ so the boys'll do just fine. Only problem is Uncle Snuff fell asleep after chewin' on some pills that he didn't know what they were and, well, he's still breathin' and I got Hog and Dragline to hitch the mules up to him and flip him over on his belly and I'm sure he'll be just fine in a few days ifin' I can ever figger out how to plug this here into-venous bag into his arm hole.

Anyways, the show is at this at some juke joint called The Mutiny which is at 2428 N Western Ave. and it's on 3/19/2010 which I reckon is Friday--not that it matters to us on account of none of the boys are employable due to their reliance on medical methamphetamine to cure their Attention Defecent Disorder, whatever in hell that is.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boydd

A Trip to See Gary Fallwell

Well, as you fellers probably already know, I am quite a moralistic conundrum. Yes indeed. I have fallen love with McElroy Boydd's wife, Dixie Peters. Well, her real name is Dixie Boyd. I caught her winkin' at me when we was eatin' rabbit chili and my heart went a flutter like one of them things old ladies keep on the back porch that clank in the wind.

Anyways, when I find myself in such a spot like this, I always turn my thoughts to our lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ. And there is one man I know who knows more about Jesus H. Christ than anyone, it's my very good friend, Gary Fallwell. He is one of them preachers on TV that makes a lot of money for knocking people over and making them talk like retards for a few minutes. Well, as you might imagine, I could use someone to push me over in times like these so I headed on over to his house in my Ford Bronco II, the wheelers of which I just aligned so as to stop hitting pedestrians.

So I get down there and I says to Gary Fallwell, "Gary, I got a problem," I says, "I am in love w/ another man's wife and that man is McElroy Boydd." And he says, "Son, that ain't no good. Jesus H. Christ frowns upon philandery." And I just kinda sit there and nod, waiting for him to go on and then he takes a big puff from this glass pipe he's got sittin' in a pile of cigarette butts beside him and his eyes kinda go all beady red and I know the Holy Spirit got a hold of him and he says, "What's this woman's name?" and I tell him Dixie Peters. And he says, "Oh her! Son, you just gotta offer McElroy Boydd a ride for a ride on that one as is writ in the book of Genesis. Trade him your four wheeler ATV and he'll let you hitch a hump on that old mare whenever you want."

You cannot imagine the Christian joy that's in my heart today! Now I am gonna go off to go see McElroy Boydd about trading him an all terrain ve-hicle in exchange for sexual favors from his wife.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd

Rabbit Chili with Dixie and the Boys

Well, McElroy Boydd couldn't make it to dinner on account of they threw him in the drunk tank after he ate a bunch of pills and ran around the neighborhood in Dixie Peter's knickers. Why they put a man in the drunk tank for taking pills, I don't know if I'll ever understand.

Anyways, as I mentioned previous-wise, the Wolf had caught us a rabbit using my false teeths which he stoled from me. Well, normally we just eat barbecue around here but I dunno if it's legal in this state to barbecue rabbit and I think only a moral degenerate would do such a thing anyways so we did the only reasonable thing and made us up some chili. You put the rabbit, which tastes good aside from the fur, in a kettle over the fire pit and then you put some cans of tomaters in there or something else that's red and then you need some hotsauce. And you get the mess cooking up real good and dump in some Country Club for extra flavor and make sure Snuff don't spit no tobacco in there because that boy don't brush his teeths. I also like to put some salt in there and some Wolfshine. I am from Texas so I don't put no beans in there but I would if I got some of them magic beans I been hearin' about.

Well, we set down to dinner, me and the boys and Dixie Peters and we go about all civil-like except Dragline wouldn't take his hat off around a lady and Snuff was chewin' on a beef jerky and wouldn't share. That boy always gotta be chewin' on somethin'.  We get to talking over lots of things like drag racing, butane lighters, how best to realign the wheelers on a Ford Bronco II... Things like that, real civil-like, as I said. And I caught a glimpse of Dixie Peters over the table, lookin' pretty as a peach, and I swear to you she winked right at me. Well, I am a Christian man, as I hope you well know, and me an' Dixie and McElroy Boydd might have had some old timey fun in the past but that was a sharing of God's love whereas a married lady winkin' at me over the table is borderline philandery. Now that's not civil-like at all!

But darned if I didn't wink right on back! I knew it was wrong but, so help me, I think I'm in love! I don't know what to do. I know his Magistic Heinous, Jesus H. Christ, is frowning upon my actions but I swear before Him and God the Farther that I am out of my my mind with love both Christian and otherwise. What should I do my brothers? Oh, what should I do?

The Wolf Stoled My Teeths!

Last night, I fall asleep under this big ol' apple tree on my estate, Rabies Acres. Now I leave the apples layin' around on the ground because when I wake up under there, I'm liable to be pretty hungry. Well, I got to take a bit of one of them apples and what do you know, my teeths ain't there no more! Now it ain't no big deal since them apples are pretty mushy this time a year but I was still pretty keen to find 'em again so I set about in my four wheeler ATV to go and look for 'em.

Well, I come 'round the bend of this creek I got out back and I see the Wolf out there chasin' rabbits. Now, he only catches 'em sometimes and normally they slip right on away on account of his teeth don't come together quite right. Now you just imagine my suprise we he snatched one of the blessed things right off the ground. The Wolf stoled my teeths right out of my mouth and was usin' 'em to bite on rabbits! What in the mind of a right thinkin' Ken-tucky boy would cause 'em to do such I thing? I am befuddled as you can well imagine.

Anyway, if you've ever tried to wrestle a set of teeths out of the jaws of a half-naked Ken-tucky boy, you probably know my fingers look about like half a pound of hamburger left in the sun too long. I don't think I'll play no piano for another three weeks. Darn that Wolf! He is a kind soul but he sure do some strange things sometimes.

Oh well. I think I might invite on over McElroy Boydd and Dixie Peters for some rabbit chili tonight.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd

Skank Wolf Tour Rider

To whoever it concerns and all venues wanting to have the band Skank Wolf and the Mange play at them, the following predetermined items must be prepared in accordance w/ this legally binding documentary:

1. Wolfshine - We will bring this ourselves. Just give them a place to drink it in.
2. One guitar amplifier - Similar in size to the one used by Carl Perkin.
3. One guitar - We got one but sometimes you need two. Get one w/ lots of knobs on it.
4. One Drumset - Hog wants to try one of them clear ones you see the bands play on TV sometimes.
5. One bass guitar amplifier - This has got to be different from the one for the guitar. We like ones with big speakers and switches that light up.
6. One case of Country Club Malt Liquor - This is made out of the finest ingredients
7. One more case of Country Club Malt Liquor - we are a rock band not girly scouts. Put both cases of beer on ice but take 'em out of the box first so it doesn't get all soggy.
8. A third case of Country Club Malt Liquor - Don't tell the boys about this one. Sometimes the Wolf will run off w/ one and the other boys get sore so it pays to have reserves. All of these cases should be quart bottles or bigger. The boys don't like having to stand up too much.
9. Wine - We like the kinds that are red or clear better but better get some of the green apple flavored kind too just in case.
10. Drum sticks - you use these to play the drums
11. One Piano - Not one of them ones w/ the little roll of tape that plays itself. I don't want anyone calling me a faker.
12. $15 dollar cash guarantee
13.  Don't play any of that techno music. We like Jerry Lee Lewis and anything that smells like barbecue.
14. Three dressing rooms. The Wolf gets dressed outside but the rest of the boys need dressing rooms stocked w/ the following: marshmallow peeps, pizza, RC Cola, one gram of medical methamphetamine, whuskey, Slim Jims, bean bag chair, them big red pills they give to horses, one newspaper (current) plus real deep fried french fries and barbecue
15. Drum Sticks - The kind that say "Rock" up the side are the best because that is the kind of music we play.
16. Security - Security personnel must be at least bigger than a normal sized person. We like the way they look all lined up in sun glasses so get a lot and tell them to cross their arms. They should be instructed to allow women into the dressing rooms and not to steal drugs or liquor from the band. If they want some, they can ask. Probably won't give them any women though.
17. Medicinal Marijuana - get the kind from California even though it's a liberal state. It is best for the glaucoma, which we all have, especially Dragline.
18. Two Microphones - You need to give Snuff the louder one because he sings all quiet sometimes.
19. One bass guitar - preferably one that's got a good look to it and not one of them ones with more strings than is usual.
20. Hot Rods - We like to drive around in these before the show if you got a door big enough you can drive up to the stage that is the best situation possible.
21. Four flannel shirts - Especially if the show is in Canada. Cold up there.
22. Women - Never paid for it in our lives but that doesn't mean you can't pay for it for us.
23. Hot dogs - No catsup!
24. Do you got one of them smoke machines? I reckon that'd be a pretty neat thing to have on stage and I'm keen to see what it'd look like.
25. Drum Sticks - The kind made out of wood. Hog needs these to get the drums to make banging noises. Don't ask me.
26. Open access to bar - not just the liquor but to the people behind there and if they want to grab a neon sign or something, they are allowed to.

If the undersigened hereto fail to prepare the items as indicated or don't get us any of the stuff on this list, we will refuse playment of the show until all things are got.

Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd