I wake up this morning and look out my window to see the cart wheel I had the Wolf tied to ain't tied to nothin' no more. Well, I knew the boys could be a bit kind hearted at times so they probably wanted to just untie him for a minute so he could work out the kinks in his knees and get himself a drink of lakewater. I will be screwed and blued though, they done untied him and then got to listenin' to what he was saying and, by gum, if his cock-o-mamy speech didn't turn the rest of the boys into liberals too. They were thinkin' they got the freedom of speech and was goin' about talkin' in nonsense.
I found 'em sittin' around the old apple tree and speakin' in their strange liberal tongue, a goin' "Ship shap caddy flap" this and "Power hour super flower" that and so on, not makin' a dang lick of of old fashioned sense. Well, I tell you it was a bit much for me. I made Dixie Peter stuff some cotton in her ears on account of a lady should not be threatened by such ungentelmanly nonsense. I knowed I had to do somethin' about this before it went on to long.
I called up an old friend of mine, Burny McButt, who's a fireman. I had ole Burny bring up a whole tank fulla city water and a long hose to my estate, Rabies Acres. Well, me an Burny loaded up that tank of city water into my Ford Bronco II which I call She-Beast and drove right on out to that dang apple tree where them boys were sittin' around speakin' like a buncha red Rooskies and hollered at the top of my lungs, "Boys! Now you gonna stop that gull danged gubbelty goop you been talkin' and get back to yappin' like civilized folk or me an' Burny'll blast you with a hunnert gallons of city water for each of ya!" Well, that perked their ears up, I must say! They murmed amongst them self and the Wolf yelled back, "We got the amendment right to speak what we want even if it ain't words!" So I says, "I don't care about you, Wolf. You do what you do. But the boys is gonna get a city water bath so bad they won't know what hit 'em iffin' they don't start speakin' sense!" And w/ that the boys kinda wandert on back towards me, hands in their pockets, speakin' appologies softly but in good old timey English.
Now say what you will about the Wolf but he knows when he's beat. And facin' a few hunnert gallons of city water without his band to back him, he knowed he was beat so he let me tie 'em back up to the old cart wheel and I'll probably leave him go in a couple a days once I's sure he learned his lesson. Seemed to be speakin' in a civilized tongue though so that's a start.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
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