Well, as you fellers probably already know, I am quite a moralistic conundrum. Yes indeed. I have fallen love with McElroy Boydd's wife, Dixie Peters. Well, her real name is Dixie Boyd. I caught her winkin' at me when we was eatin' rabbit chili and my heart went a flutter like one of them things old ladies keep on the back porch that clank in the wind.
Anyways, when I find myself in such a spot like this, I always turn my thoughts to our lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ. And there is one man I know who knows more about Jesus H. Christ than anyone, it's my very good friend, Gary Fallwell. He is one of them preachers on TV that makes a lot of money for knocking people over and making them talk like retards for a few minutes. Well, as you might imagine, I could use someone to push me over in times like these so I headed on over to his house in my Ford Bronco II, the wheelers of which I just aligned so as to stop hitting pedestrians.
So I get down there and I says to Gary Fallwell, "Gary, I got a problem," I says, "I am in love w/ another man's wife and that man is McElroy Boydd." And he says, "Son, that ain't no good. Jesus H. Christ frowns upon philandery." And I just kinda sit there and nod, waiting for him to go on and then he takes a big puff from this glass pipe he's got sittin' in a pile of cigarette butts beside him and his eyes kinda go all beady red and I know the Holy Spirit got a hold of him and he says, "What's this woman's name?" and I tell him Dixie Peters. And he says, "Oh her! Son, you just gotta offer McElroy Boydd a ride for a ride on that one as is writ in the book of Genesis. Trade him your four wheeler ATV and he'll let you hitch a hump on that old mare whenever you want."
You cannot imagine the Christian joy that's in my heart today! Now I am gonna go off to go see McElroy Boydd about trading him an all terrain ve-hicle in exchange for sexual favors from his wife.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
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