Well, as you fellers probably already know, I am quite a moralistic conundrum. Yes indeed. I have fallen love with McElroy Boydd's wife, Dixie Peters. Well, her real name is Dixie Boyd. I caught her winkin' at me when we was eatin' rabbit chili and my heart went a flutter like one of them things old ladies keep on the back porch that clank in the wind.
Anyways, when I find myself in such a spot like this, I always turn my thoughts to our lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ. And there is one man I know who knows more about Jesus H. Christ than anyone, it's my very good friend, Gary Fallwell. He is one of them preachers on TV that makes a lot of money for knocking people over and making them talk like retards for a few minutes. Well, as you might imagine, I could use someone to push me over in times like these so I headed on over to his house in my Ford Bronco II, the wheelers of which I just aligned so as to stop hitting pedestrians.
So I get down there and I says to Gary Fallwell, "Gary, I got a problem," I says, "I am in love w/ another man's wife and that man is McElroy Boydd." And he says, "Son, that ain't no good. Jesus H. Christ frowns upon philandery." And I just kinda sit there and nod, waiting for him to go on and then he takes a big puff from this glass pipe he's got sittin' in a pile of cigarette butts beside him and his eyes kinda go all beady red and I know the Holy Spirit got a hold of him and he says, "What's this woman's name?" and I tell him Dixie Peters. And he says, "Oh her! Son, you just gotta offer McElroy Boydd a ride for a ride on that one as is writ in the book of Genesis. Trade him your four wheeler ATV and he'll let you hitch a hump on that old mare whenever you want."
You cannot imagine the Christian joy that's in my heart today! Now I am gonna go off to go see McElroy Boydd about trading him an all terrain ve-hicle in exchange for sexual favors from his wife.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
Showing posts with label Dixie Peters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dixie Peters. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Rabbit Chili with Dixie and the Boys
Well, McElroy Boydd couldn't make it to dinner on account of they threw him in the drunk tank after he ate a bunch of pills and ran around the neighborhood in Dixie Peter's knickers. Why they put a man in the drunk tank for taking pills, I don't know if I'll ever understand.
Anyways, as I mentioned previous-wise, the Wolf had caught us a rabbit using my false teeths which he stoled from me. Well, normally we just eat barbecue around here but I dunno if it's legal in this state to barbecue rabbit and I think only a moral degenerate would do such a thing anyways so we did the only reasonable thing and made us up some chili. You put the rabbit, which tastes good aside from the fur, in a kettle over the fire pit and then you put some cans of tomaters in there or something else that's red and then you need some hotsauce. And you get the mess cooking up real good and dump in some Country Club for extra flavor and make sure Snuff don't spit no tobacco in there because that boy don't brush his teeths. I also like to put some salt in there and some Wolfshine. I am from Texas so I don't put no beans in there but I would if I got some of them magic beans I been hearin' about.
Well, we set down to dinner, me and the boys and Dixie Peters and we go about all civil-like except Dragline wouldn't take his hat off around a lady and Snuff was chewin' on a beef jerky and wouldn't share. That boy always gotta be chewin' on somethin'. We get to talking over lots of things like drag racing, butane lighters, how best to realign the wheelers on a Ford Bronco II... Things like that, real civil-like, as I said. And I caught a glimpse of Dixie Peters over the table, lookin' pretty as a peach, and I swear to you she winked right at me. Well, I am a Christian man, as I hope you well know, and me an' Dixie and McElroy Boydd might have had some old timey fun in the past but that was a sharing of God's love whereas a married lady winkin' at me over the table is borderline philandery. Now that's not civil-like at all!
But darned if I didn't wink right on back! I knew it was wrong but, so help me, I think I'm in love! I don't know what to do. I know his Magistic Heinous, Jesus H. Christ, is frowning upon my actions but I swear before Him and God the Farther that I am out of my my mind with love both Christian and otherwise. What should I do my brothers? Oh, what should I do?
Anyways, as I mentioned previous-wise, the Wolf had caught us a rabbit using my false teeths which he stoled from me. Well, normally we just eat barbecue around here but I dunno if it's legal in this state to barbecue rabbit and I think only a moral degenerate would do such a thing anyways so we did the only reasonable thing and made us up some chili. You put the rabbit, which tastes good aside from the fur, in a kettle over the fire pit and then you put some cans of tomaters in there or something else that's red and then you need some hotsauce. And you get the mess cooking up real good and dump in some Country Club for extra flavor and make sure Snuff don't spit no tobacco in there because that boy don't brush his teeths. I also like to put some salt in there and some Wolfshine. I am from Texas so I don't put no beans in there but I would if I got some of them magic beans I been hearin' about.
Well, we set down to dinner, me and the boys and Dixie Peters and we go about all civil-like except Dragline wouldn't take his hat off around a lady and Snuff was chewin' on a beef jerky and wouldn't share. That boy always gotta be chewin' on somethin'. We get to talking over lots of things like drag racing, butane lighters, how best to realign the wheelers on a Ford Bronco II... Things like that, real civil-like, as I said. And I caught a glimpse of Dixie Peters over the table, lookin' pretty as a peach, and I swear to you she winked right at me. Well, I am a Christian man, as I hope you well know, and me an' Dixie and McElroy Boydd might have had some old timey fun in the past but that was a sharing of God's love whereas a married lady winkin' at me over the table is borderline philandery. Now that's not civil-like at all!
But darned if I didn't wink right on back! I knew it was wrong but, so help me, I think I'm in love! I don't know what to do. I know his Magistic Heinous, Jesus H. Christ, is frowning upon my actions but I swear before Him and God the Farther that I am out of my my mind with love both Christian and otherwise. What should I do my brothers? Oh, what should I do?
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