To whoever it concerns and all venues wanting to have the band Skank Wolf and the Mange play at them, the following predetermined items must be prepared in accordance w/ this legally binding documentary:
1. Wolfshine - We will bring this ourselves. Just give them a place to drink it in.
2. One guitar amplifier - Similar in size to the one used by Carl Perkin.
3. One guitar - We got one but sometimes you need two. Get one w/ lots of knobs on it.
4. One Drumset - Hog wants to try one of them clear ones you see the bands play on TV sometimes.
5. One bass guitar amplifier - This has got to be different from the one for the guitar. We like ones with big speakers and switches that light up.
6. One case of Country Club Malt Liquor - This is made out of the finest ingredients
7. One more case of Country Club Malt Liquor - we are a rock band not girly scouts. Put both cases of beer on ice but take 'em out of the box first so it doesn't get all soggy.
8. A third case of Country Club Malt Liquor - Don't tell the boys about this one. Sometimes the Wolf will run off w/ one and the other boys get sore so it pays to have reserves. All of these cases should be quart bottles or bigger. The boys don't like having to stand up too much.
9. Wine - We like the kinds that are red or clear better but better get some of the green apple flavored kind too just in case.
10. Drum sticks - you use these to play the drums
11. One Piano - Not one of them ones w/ the little roll of tape that plays itself. I don't want anyone calling me a faker.
12. $15 dollar cash guarantee
13. Don't play any of that techno music. We like Jerry Lee Lewis and anything that smells like barbecue.
14. Three dressing rooms. The Wolf gets dressed outside but the rest of the boys need dressing rooms stocked w/ the following: marshmallow peeps, pizza, RC Cola, one gram of medical methamphetamine, whuskey, Slim Jims, bean bag chair, them big red pills they give to horses, one newspaper (current) plus real deep fried french fries and barbecue
15. Drum Sticks - The kind that say "Rock" up the side are the best because that is the kind of music we play.
16. Security - Security personnel must be at least bigger than a normal sized person. We like the way they look all lined up in sun glasses so get a lot and tell them to cross their arms. They should be instructed to allow women into the dressing rooms and not to steal drugs or liquor from the band. If they want some, they can ask. Probably won't give them any women though.
17. Medicinal Marijuana - get the kind from California even though it's a liberal state. It is best for the glaucoma, which we all have, especially Dragline.
18. Two Microphones - You need to give Snuff the louder one because he sings all quiet sometimes.
19. One bass guitar - preferably one that's got a good look to it and not one of them ones with more strings than is usual.
20. Hot Rods - We like to drive around in these before the show if you got a door big enough you can drive up to the stage that is the best situation possible.
21. Four flannel shirts - Especially if the show is in Canada. Cold up there.
22. Women - Never paid for it in our lives but that doesn't mean you can't pay for it for us.
23. Hot dogs - No catsup!
24. Do you got one of them smoke machines? I reckon that'd be a pretty neat thing to have on stage and I'm keen to see what it'd look like.
25. Drum Sticks - The kind made out of wood. Hog needs these to get the drums to make banging noises. Don't ask me.
26. Open access to bar - not just the liquor but to the people behind there and if they want to grab a neon sign or something, they are allowed to.
If the undersigened hereto fail to prepare the items as indicated or don't get us any of the stuff on this list, we will refuse playment of the show until all things are got.
Your Friend,
McElroy Boyd
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